Guest Commentary: Calman’s Dad

Since we have had contributions from all of the Mop Up Duty fathers, Early’s father Daperman and Kman’s father “Baseball Wizard”, I figured I would ask my Dad his thoughts on the state of the Jays. For those with virgin ears, beware: this article is profanity laced and the thoughts and views expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of Mop Up Duty.

To preface this article, I will give you some background on my Dad. He immigrated to Canada from Scotland in the 70’s and didn’t start watching baseball until the late 80’s when I was full on obsessed with it. My father understands the basics of the game, knows all the rules but still doesn’t fully appreciate the nuances of the game. Now without further adieu, I present to you my Dad’s commentary on the state of the Jays, which is not so much an article as it is a rant transcribed by me. Let’s begin.

AJ Burnett is an $11 Million Dollar Piece of Shit

AJ Burnett is an $11 million dollar piece of shit. He is almost as bad as the Koch-sucker. Almost. (editor’s note: my Dad is referring to former Jays’ closer Billy Koch) He can’t throw a strike if his life depended on it, and if he does it ends up over the fence. Even I can pitch better than him. (editor’s note: my Dad is 63, can barely see, move, or raise his arms over his head so that is saying something.) How is this guy getting paid $11 million a year? He is a piece of shit!! How does the guy who gave him $11 million a year still have a job? Not only did he give him $11 million for one year but he gave it to him for 5! And another thing, when I see John Gibbons I can’t believe he still has a job. Burnett is injured again? That’s one regular.

As for the rest of the Jays pitching it is The Doc and a bunch of other no-hopers. Marcum is a fuck up. McGowan is a no hoper (editor’s note: after his 1 hitter on Sunday, my Dad likes him) and Towers is a useless prick. The only good thing they have going other than Doc is Accardo. He is good.

It is good to see that Zaun is back and hitting well though I liked Fasano. I was worried when Lyle broke his hand but Stairs is good. Stairs is cool - he’s not flamboyant and just gets the job done. He is strong and is filling in well for Lyle. Lind - he can hit too. The Hurt (editor’s note: I think he means the Big Hurt Frank Thomas) is playing like a piece of shit but I still like him, a lot more after his grand slam the other night. Vernon: a $121 million dollar piece of shit. I love John McDonald and Aaron Hill what can you say, he is just a very good player. But the star of the team is that good looking right fielder Alex Rios. Without him they would be in last.

Taubenheim must be AJ Burnett’s twin brother. Watching the game against the Rockies, you have the best runner on second (Taveres) the best hitter at the plate (Holliday) and the worst pitcher pitching (Taubenheim). I just shake my head.

Tags: Callum's Dad, Elderly Agitation, Ignorance, Rage, Senility